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In Heaven There Is NO POLKA!
About a month ago, the local public radio announced that they were sponsoring a concert by my favorite polka band! I was so excited! And then...I forgot about it.
Drat!
So to sooth my self, I purchased one of their older CD's that I didn't have. What I like about this CD is - well a lot of things - but the thing I especially like is the last track, which is titled, "In Heaven There is No Beer." (You'll need to scroll to this song alphabetically...)
Why do I like this song? Because of associated memories. The first time I heard this song, Paul M. (Mr. Conservative Baptist Boy, Graduate of Southwest Seminary, Ph. D in Church-State Studies, Card Carrying Libertarian) was dancing a polka around the living room, singing at the top of his voice while Princess ran around in circles barking...trying to figure out if something was wrong...poor dog.
So driving back from Barnes & Noble yesterday in a friend's car, I popped in the CD and discovered...that my friend has an aversion to bass. Bass - not the fish - but bass, like opposite of treble. The bass was turned all the way off or down or whatever, so I - like any good polka lover - turned up the bass - not ghetto style - but for crying out loud, it was polka! What's the point if you don't have at least a little bass?!
Ok, driving down the road now, cruising with my polka music and then...
A red light.
At first I notice nothing. And then I become conscious of the fact that my rearview mirror is...tremoring. Each bass note is like a rock thrown in the water. I touch the steering wheel and it too reverberates with the plucking of the bass. All of this is just registering as a truck full of construction workers pull up beside me, and then a van with a soccer mom on my right, in the turn lane.
I immediately freeze. No car-seat-dancing (which is what I was accidentally doing). I think to myself, "If I don't move, maybe the soccer mom will think it's the construction workers and vice versa."
So I sit.
In absolute stillness.
With a really bored look on my face.
While my car is sending sound waves out with SUPERSONIC FORCE.
It. Is. The. LONGEST redlight ever!
The absurdity of the situation begins to sink in, and I can't help myself. I start to smirk. I bite my lower lip and and put my hand over my mouth in a casual "I'm thinking" pose...and I've got teeth showing now. I bite harder and start snickering. The tassel hanging of the rearview mirror is bouncing around, doing its own little polka. I cough, frown and study my knees.
I can see the construction workers out of the corner of my eye.
They're looking.
At the very serious, frowning, grumpy looking white woman thumpin' to polka music at 3:15 in the afternoon on a Tuesday.
Green Light!
And rubber!
posted by Headless-in-GR @ 6/29/2005 07:32:00 AM | (0) comments
Why Is He So Mean To Me?
So I was in this meeting, and it ran late. And then the electricity went out...and so did the phones...and then this madman with a grenade launcher took me hostage...and he wanted ONE MILLION DOLLARS for my release...but when he was discussing the details with the cops on the phone (they had been reconnect by this point) I gave him a karate chop to the back of the...big toe...which crippled him...but he still was able to fire his grenade launcher so he aimed it at my...belly button...but before he was able to fire...
ALIENS!
And they...ate him. But not me. Because girls aren't as tasty as boys...
So they got on the phone...and said they wanted TWO MILLION DOLLARS for my release...oh, and something about Gerald Ford's medical records...so then I gave them...
ONE MINUTE to get OUT OF MY HAIR!
Cause they were really, really small...but there were a LOT of them...and they were bigger than they were before they ate grenade launcher dude...
So they held a council to discussed my release. They needed a two-thirds majority vote and there was much arguing, bargaining and haggling. I heard one group agree to approve two of the federal court nominees if subspace mini-shuttle manufactures could get a tax break on foreign-made alternators...
Finally they reached a decision and I was allowed to leave...on the condition that I appeal to libertarians everywhere to form an alliance with the Green Party and unite under the long range goal of a peaceful take over by the fir trees.
...Do you believe?
posted by Headless-in-GR @ 6/25/2005 10:50:00 PM | (1) comments
Nanu Manu
Can I help it if I'm in love with a man named Manu?
Here he is with my other favorite guy.
(Who is Manu? Information here.)
.
posted by Headless-in-GR @ 6/24/2005 09:55:00 AM | (0) comments
On How To Be A Neoorthodoxymoron
1) Be "straight thinking" enough to know it is impossible to bend the spoon.
2) Believe firmly in the truth of Ecclesiastes 1:9.
3) Believe firmly in the truth of Revelation 21:5.
4) Be emerging enough to be catholic.
5) Must emphatically NOT be Emergent, in order to insure actual movement.
6) Fill your house full of brand new distressed furniture.
7) Bliss is perpetually solving the Unsolvable Mystery.
8) Heaven and Hell are worlds apart in exactly the same place - Earth.
9) "The wind blows and you know not where it comes from..." but you actually wonder if it might be the trees of the field clapping their hands - or if it's really the TULIPs.
10) In the same vein as Just Pat and Headless, must be a Bar-thyte. The meaning of which is still quite elusive, however it clearly indicates a penchant for margaritas...
posted by Headless-in-GR @ 6/23/2005 07:52:00 PM | (0) comments
Aren't I Cute?
Aren't I a handsome guy...
And...
"My name is Neo!"
 | You scored as Neo orthodox. You are neo-orthodox. You reject the human-centredness and scepticism of liberal theology, but neither do you go to the other extreme and make the Bible the central issue for faith. You believe that Christ is God's most important revelation to humanity, and the Trinity is hugely important in your theology. The Bible is also important because it points us to the revelation of Christ. You are influenced by Karl Barth and P T Forsyth.
What's your theological worldview? created with QuizFarm.com |
posted by Headless-in-GR @ 6/21/2005 09:19:00 PM | (0) comments
Horse Racing 101
All thoroughbred have the same birthday - January 1st.
The earliest a thoroughbred will race is as a two-year old.
Two-year olds only race other two-year olds.
The Triple Crown is a combination of three races restricted to three-year olds only.
The Triple Crown races are, in order that they occur, The Kentucky Derby, The Preakness Stakes and The Belmont Stakes.
Only 11 horses have ever won the Triple Crown.
It has been 27 years since we have had a Triple Crown winner.
There are many great Thoroughbreds who did not run or did not win any of the Triple Crown races. One you might know is Seabiscuit - as a three year old, he was terrible, as a four year old, he beat his "uncle" - War Admiral, who was a Triple Crown winner.
Two year old racing might be compared to high school athletics.
Three year old racing would be college athletics - the Triple Crown would be like the Olympics (before we let professionals compete).
After the Triple Crown, three year olds begin moving into the professional realm - if they're going to move there - or retire, like Smarty Jones last year.
The "World Series" for Professional Racehorses (post Triple Crown 3-year olds and up) would be the Breeder's Cup, which is run in October.
Horses compete in lesser races as "preps" for the bigger races.
Thoroughbred horses run at around 40 miles an hour - in sprints, faster.
When a jockey uses a whip on the horse, he or she is not beating the horse. Horses are really big animals who live outside in the rain and sleet and hail and sun and wind. They use barbed wire to scratch their itches. When I was a kid, sometimes my horse didn't know I wanted him to go, because he couldn't feel me kick him. (When you ride, you give the horse a little "kick" in the side to ask him to go forward.)
Horse racing is corrupt - because people are involved.
Some of the corruption in horse-racing occurs when trainers give horses drugs, when breeders overbreed and have the less promising horses slaughtered, when jockeys throw races for money, when fans become addicted to gambling.
The NTRA (National Thoroughbred Racing Association) in association with state racing associations requires drug testing for horses - but there are always new ways to cover up drug usage.
The NTRA is against horse slaughter, but has no real teeth to enforce this, as individual breeders do what they want with their horses. (There have been attempts to legislate a shutdown of horse slaughter operations in the United States - they get no press and no support.)
Jockeys can be fined or suspended if it is proven they lost a race on purpose - but, how hard is that to prove?
But in the midst of all of this, there is an athlete who is pure - horses aren't running for money, contracts, world records or greatness.
They run because they love to run.
posted by Headless-in-GR @ 6/16/2005 09:12:00 AM | (0) comments
Fully You
What he worshipped, he became.
He gave worth to, gave his heart to the people around him - those who fed him and bathed him. He learned to love the ones who played with him. He learned to trust the ones who took care of him when he was sick. He gave worth to the people who asked him to try. He gave worth to the people who told him "be strong." He gave his heart to those who said "have courage" and he trusted those who said "whatever you do, do well."
He spent his days around daring people, who tried and were strong. He spent time with people who didn't give up when they failed.
People are transformed by who or what they worship. People are redeemed in relationship.
So is this one.
posted by Headless-in-GR @ 6/11/2005 07:14:00 PM | (0) comments
That Davincian Devil
A lady on the phone today, telling me of the blasphemy at the door of the Church - that evil, evil book. The sirens call us from the pits of hell through the pencil of Dan Brown and the paintbrush of Da Vinci! And she says:
It's the devil's doorway into our souls.
No lady. The devil's doorway is the ignorance of the Church.
posted by Headless-in-GR @ 6/01/2005 09:28:00 PM | (3) comments
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